The Chronicles of Farmerman
by lccorp2
Summary: What if Jack was to be a superhero, destined to protect Mineral Town from the forces of evil? What problems would he face? Would things still be the same? (Chapter 9 up: Anti-Jack Part 2)
1. Episode 1:Origins Of Farmerman

Author's Note: I don't own HM, especially HM: Friends of Mineral Town, nor do I own anything else. This story is designed merely to give you people out there a simple, good laugh. Expect any plot to be shallow, with randomness a major part of it. The first few bits might be boring, as they're more or less directly from the game…I can't just pull a story out of thin air, you know. Got to have a beginning.  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 1: The Origins of Farmerman. (Part one)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto a jetty, where a certain young man has just stepped off a boat and is looking very lost and confused.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera moves in through the clouds. We see a familiar young man, clad in his trademark cap and overalls. Camera zooms in onto Jack's face.)  
  
Narrator: and here we have Jack, last name anyone's guess, who is to be the main character of our story. Duh.  
  
(Camera follows Jack as we walks off the beach)  
  
(One hour later. Camera shows Jack pointlessly walking on the farm)  
  
(Thomas enters)  
  
Thomas: hey, you can't come in here! This is private property!  
  
Jack: well, I'll explain…  
  
(Half an hour later)  
  
Thomas: and so you spent your trip here riding cows, being cruel to chickens, littering in the sea, sleeping out in the open where anything could possibly gobble you up, and playing with a little girl whom you just met a few seconds ago without any proper introduction?  
  
Jack: (shifting eyes) um…I didn't say it!  
  
Thomas: well, I'm glad you didn't do any of those, which would have been either very inconsiderate, cruel, or embarrassing.  
  
Jack: so, you said I get this farm, cause the old farmer died and left me this, just for staying with him for a few days, and writing to him every now and them?  
  
Thomas: that seems to be the case.  
  
Jack: (looks out upon the field littered with weeds, stones, and branches) …  
  
(The next day)  
  
Jack: (feeling something licking his face) zzz…wha? Huh? (Opens eyes and sees dog) AAAAA! DOG! GO AWAY!  
  
(The Dog ignores him and continues to lick Jack's face)  
  
Jack: AAAAAABADDO-Hello, what's this? (Picks up card attached to dog's collar and reads aloud) this is your dog. You are to love it, pick it up and put it down every day, and play Frisbee with it when it gets old enough. You don't have to feed it, and it is practically immortal. Basically, it is stuck with you forever. Yours, the Harvest Goddess.  
  
(Insert dramatic lightning and thunder here)  
  
Jack: (Pulling an outrageous face) NOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Narrator: poor Jack. Anyways…  
  
(Scene changes to Jack hacking away at the earth with his hoe)  
  
Jack: (grumbling to self) pull weed, hack, lift stone, hack chop branch, hack. All this work, and I'm expected to do all of it on a single, measly, loaf of bread? Which is odd, because I don't remember buying any bread…  
  
Narrator: poor, poor Jack.  
  
Jack: (continuing to grumble) things to do later: do more work, meet villagers in evening, and I have a measly 500g on me…why on earth did I come here with so little capital anyways? (Digs up small bag of money) go gramps! Bury your life savings in the field in annoyingly small amounts!  
  
(Five hours later)  
  
Jack: scatter seeds, water…I'm finally done…  
  
(Insert long, ominous stomach growl here)  
  
Narrator: well, it appears our hero is hungry.  
  
(Slow dramatic music as Jack reaches into his pocket and pulls out 30g)  
  
Jack: (noticeably paling) uh-oh…  
  
(The scenery around Jack changes to boiling pits of acid. Jack's stomach growls again, much more impatiently this time. Jack drops his watering can and runs off in the direction of Mother's Hill)  
  
Narrator: well, it appears that Jack hopes to get a free lunch. Something, I believe, he'll find really doesn't exist…  
  
(Scene changes to near the hot spring. We see Jack crawling into the camera.)  
  
Jack: need…food…so…hungry…(sees tree) yummy! Chocolate! (Tries to eat tree)  
  
Narrator: not very far away…  
  
(Camera shifts some way to the left. We see Barley and May by the hot spring.)  
  
May: (pointing excitedly) Grandpa, Grandpa! There's a funny animal trying to eat the tree!  
  
Barley: now, May. I'm sure there's no such thing.  
  
May: but I saw it! There's a strange blue animal wearing a cap and overalls trying to eat the tree over there!  
  
Barley: (sighs) all right, all right. There's an animal trying to eat the tree over there. Now let me get into the hot spring, will you?  
  
Narrator: it's sad, isn't it?  
  
(Camera swings back to Jack, who is still gnawing at the tree)  
  
Jack: yummy…chocolate…(notices bamboo shoot by spring) YAaaAaAaaH! FOOD! (Dives at the bamboo shoot. Unfortunately, he misses the bamboo shoot, and ends up diving headfirst into the spring. Camera follows Jack as he sinks rapidly down, spiraling into darkness)  
  
Narrator: is this the end of Jack, death by drowning? Or is it the beginning of something new? I did warn you that the first few installments would be a little dry, so don't yell at me.  
  
Reviews please. (holds out tin mug) I haven't brought out any punch lines, and the villains will be introduced in the next episode… 


	2. Episode 2:Origins Of Farmerman Part 2

Author's note: No, I don't own HM. Natsume does. End of note.  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 2: The Origins of Farmerman. (Part two)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, into a spring, where a certain young man by the name of Jack has fallen into the spring and is half-drowned.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera moves in through the clouds. We see a familiar young man, clad in his trademark cap and overalls, currently sinking rapidly into what seems to be the bottomless depths of the spring.)  
  
Jack: Glub glub. (Translation: this can't be happening to me! I just came here, and I'm to young and pretty to die! Not to mention I'm still hungry! Is there food in heaven? Will the dog still be there?)  
  
(Suddenly, there is a flash of light and-)  
  
Harvest Goddess: (looking down at jack, who by now has turned blue) you know, Jack, you're the first person to give yourself as an offering to me.  
  
Jack: (turning purple) Glub.  
  
Harvest Goddess: New to this place? You know, Mineral Town is going to go through a series of dark times soon…and I don't think that Harris can handle it alone. A fresh face…hmm. Could I interest you in becoming the protector of Mineral Town?  
  
Jack: Glub.  
  
Harvest Goddess: I'll take that as a yes. (Hands Jack a costume. It is green, with a turnip emblazoned on the front, complete with cape) now put this on under your clothes. You'll have to find someplace to hide while ripping off your clothes in the approved superhero fashion, though.  
  
Jack: (shakes head while turning black) Glub glub glub. Glub glub.  
  
Harvest Goddess: don't be embarrassed, I made you. You were born in a car, and the kids called you omelet-face when you were in school because you were so ugly then. Odd how you turned out nice now. Your father isn't your real father, but instead some mysterious, tall, dark man whom your mother had a one-night stand with. You have a fetish for girls in blue dresses, and your exact "Size" is-  
  
Jack: GLUB GLUB! (Nods head rapidly and feebly tries to put on costume)  
  
Harvest Goddess: there's a good boy. All right, now it's time to give you your too-(Notices Jack hanging limply in the water) oh shoot.  
  
(Camera goes dark. Insert sounds of heavy breathing.)  
  
(Camera stays dark for a while, then shows a slit of light which widens rapidly, as though Jack's eyes are being opened. The blurred image gradually comes into focus and assembles itself into the face of Elli.)  
  
Elli: (cheerfully) you're finally awake? How do you feel?  
  
Jack: glub. (Throws up some water onto Elli's apron) am I in heaven, and are you an angel? (Promptly collapses again)  
  
Elli: (Speechless as she is unsure as to be angry or flattered)  
  
Narrator: in order to discern why Jack said that, we will have to take a peek into his subconscious.  
  
(Scene changes to a pink room. We see four clones of Jack, all wearing different colours arguing.)  
  
Logic: all right. Who made us throw up right then onto that nurse's apron! There will surely be great repercussions for us!  
  
Emotion: (Fidgeting uncomfortably) it wasn't me. I think it was an automatic reflex action.  
  
Lust: but I did try to salvage the situation by way of a compliment.  
  
Caution: we're doomed. I know it. She's probably gonna give us a good tight slap or something.  
  
(Scene changes back to the clinic. The Doctor is standing by Jack. Jack groans and tries to sit up.)  
  
Doctor: ah, you're awake…again. I'm the local doctor. You must be Jack, the new guy at the farm. (Extends hand)  
  
Jack: (weakly) news travels fast, doesn't it? (Shakes hand limply and tries to stand up)  
  
Doctor: I'm not really sure you should be standing up now…I found you floating face down in the spring, and brought you back here. How anyone can nearly drown in water less than a foot deep is a mystery to me, though.  
  
Jack: it's ok. What's your name? (Gets to his feet)  
  
Doctor: doctor.  
  
Jack: (raises eyebrow) no, really.  
  
Doctor: (sighs and pulls out birth certificate) yes, really. (Points) see? Doctor Tim Doctor.  
  
Jack: (Speechless)  
  
Doctor: yes. I know. Long-range career planning. Don't worry, once the initial shock wears off, you'll be fine.  
  
Jack: you know, I had a near-death experience just now  
  
Doctor: hmm? You might want to speak to Carter, the local priest about religious matters…but I'm all ears. Go on.  
  
Jack: I had this vision that I was being escorted to heaven by an angel! They wear blue dresses with aprons and yellow ribbons!  
  
Doctor: (chuckles) Elli? Oh, I think she's pretty upset you threw up muddy water all over her clothing.  
  
Jack: (sullenly) …oh.  
  
Doctor: well, since you wish to leave, I won't stop you. Your rucksack is in the corner with your tools.  
  
Jack: oh-kay…(grabs his stuff and runs out of the door)  
  
(Inside Jack's subconscious)  
  
Lust: (is being restrained by the other three) NOOO! LET ME GET BACK!!!!  
  
Caution: (gives lust a solid whack) I have no interest in having physical bodily harm being inflicted upon us.  
  
Lust: but…blue dresses and an apron! AAAAA!  
  
Logic: (grimacing) hold him till we get out of the vicinity.  
  
(Scene changes to Jack walking the streets of Mineral Town.)  
  
Jack: (to self) well, I should get myself introduced to the locals. (Looks up) Church of the Harvest Goddess. (Hazily remembers his conversation with the Harvest Goddess and the Doctor's advice) well, can't hurt.  
  
(Camera follows Jack as he walks over and pushes open the door. As the door opens, camera swings to show the church that all players of BTN and FOMT know, except that one of the murals has been pushed back to reveal a gigantic game console. Carter, May and Stu and sitting in front of it.)  
  
Stu: (ramming on control pad) ha! My Gotz can beat your Jeff any day with Great Amazing Super Golden Lumber!  
  
May: well, your Gotz is no match for my Karen's Ultra Hyper Movie-Star Hot Bod!  
  
Stu: well, no one can beat my Sis' special move: Irresistible Warm Loving Cute Goody-Two Shoes Attraction!  
  
Carter: (Grinning evilly) well. All are no match for…Carter's (insert long string of superlatives here) Confessional PMS!  
  
May: aww man…  
  
Stu: that move is cheap.  
  
Carter: well, (Turns around and notices Jack) oh. Hello, you 're a new face around these parts.  
  
May and Stu: hi mister!  
  
Jack: um…I'm Jack, the new guy at the farm. You must be Carter. The Doctor told me about you.  
  
Carter: yes. I'm pleased to finally meet you. Come for confession any time you wish.  
  
May: (tugging at Carter's robe) can we get back to playing Mineral Town fighters?  
  
Jack: may I see?  
  
(Stu hands over the CD)  
  
Jack: (Reads aloud) Mineral Town fighters. Pit your favourite residents against others in this free-for-all deathmatch, with amazing special moves and combos. Not for children under 13. Produced Won interactive studios.  
  
Carter: …  
  
Stu: we have Mineral Town go-kart, Mineral Town tea party, Mineral Town accountancy…  
  
May: want to play Mr Jack? You seem like the animal I saw trying to eat a tree yesterday, you know.  
  
Jack: um…no thanks…you go on. (Walks to the other side of the room, where Cliff is sitting down)  
  
Cliff: (looking up) …………  
  
Jack: (extends hand) um…hi, I'm Jack. I just moved in yesterday.  
  
Cliff: (Shakes hand) …………  
  
Jack: not very chatty, are we?  
  
Cliff: …………  
  
(Jack notices a zipper running down Cliff's back, and unzips. The costume falls back to reveal Felix From Golden Sun.)  
  
Felix: … (Gathers up costume and puts it back on. Carter, May and Stu are engrossed in their game and don't notice anything)  
  
(Jack backs away slowly, and once he's out of the door, he runs away like a maniac.)  
  
Narrator: and that's why Cliff doesn't speak much. And now for an advertisement from our sponsors…  
  
(The scene changes to the pier on Mineral Beach. Jack and Elli are sitting on the beach, fishing.)  
  
Elli: (looking worried) gee, Jack, we've been sitting here all day and not even a nibble…  
  
Jack: That's all right, because…(produces a picnic basket from nowhere) your grandmother packed us a whole basket of…(insert dramatic sound here) Mineral Grain Bars!  
  
Elli: (taking the basket from Jack and rifling through it) they're all so delicious and come in so many flavours! Chocolate, Wild Grape, X-Mayo, Turbojolt, and my favourite, Hot Milk!  
  
(The two of them set aside their fishing rods and begin to munch on the grain bars)  
  
Jack: if only we could convince not only Mineral Town, but the whole world, to go on a spate of crass consumerism and buy all the Mineral Grain Bars they could!  
  
(The camera shifts upwards, where we see an airship floating above the two of them)  
  
Dr. Doctor: (looking down through binoculars) Bwahahaha! Zese fools, leetle do zey know zat in few moments, zeir tasty Mineral Grain Bars vill be mine! Zen, I vill use zier yumminkness zo be bribink researchers zo zell be bio weapons of mass dezstuction! Zen, I, Dr. Doktor vill rule ze vorld! Not only beink dat, but Elli vill alzo rezent zat Jack for losink ze tasty Mineral Grain Bars! Bwahahaha!  
  
(Scene changes back to Elli and Jack, still munching on the seemingly infinite supply of Grain Bars)  
  
Jack: you know, I could keep eating these forever!  
  
(In the background, a sinister-looking hook latches itself onto the picnic basket, and the picnic basket starts to rise.)  
  
Elli: (happily) yes! I could do with-(reaches out for the picnic basket, realises it isn't there, and looks up) (screams) it's Dr. Doctor! (Faints)  
  
Jack: Elli! (Scoops her up and runs behind Zack's house) this is a job for…Farmerman!  
  
(Insert dramatic music, followed by green flashes of light)  
  
Jack: (now as Farmerman) unhand those yummy Mineral Grain Bars, Dr. Doctor, or feel the wrath of agricultural produce!  
  
Dr. Doctor: (panicking) oh no! how can ze Varmerman be comink zere zo zoon?  
  
Jack: no? Then…CUCUMBER HURL!  
  
(Jack hurls a cucumber at the airship with amazing aim. The airship Suffers a gash and spirals away into the distance. The picnic basket of Mineral Grain Bars lands on the beach, amazingly unharmed.)  
  
Dr. Doctor: I vill get zoo vor zees, Varmermaaaaaaaaaaaan! (Vanishes into the distance)  
  
Mysterious Voice: Mineral Grain Bars. Not just the choice of farmers all over, but your choice, too!  
  
Narrator: ok, commercial break over! Back to Jack!  
  
(Scene changes back to Jack, who is about to start tilling his fields.)  
  
Jack: (looking at farm map) one whole day, and I only manage to clear ten percent of the whole field? Oh well…(raises hoe)  
  
Narrator: now the fun begins.  
  
Jack: that's odd…why does the hoe feel so heavy? (Bends backwards) it's pulling me back…(snaps forward) YAAAH!  
  
(Basically, the whole field literally explodes. Weeds, moles, coin bags, and stone fragments rain down.)  
  
Harvest Goddess: (from behind Jack) you know, you should really be careful with that Hoe of Destruction I gave you.  
  
Jack: (staring in shock) gah….  
  
Harvest Goddess: and no, it won't work on the Dog. By the way, you left your costume back in the spring. Don't be so careless. Bye now. (Vanishes, leaving the neatly folded costume on the ground.)  
  
Jack: (finally gathering up his wits) I can't believe it…I'm actually a superhero! Woo-hoo! (Holds up Hoe Of Destruction and poses) from now on, I, Jack, last name unknown, will assume the secret identity of Farmerman, given to me by the Harvest goddess, and protect the residents of Mineral Town from the forces of evil!  
  
Dog: (comes over and licks Jack's leg) Arf! Arf!  
  
Jack: (looking down at the Dog) all right, you can be my sidekick.  
  
(Camera fades out)  
  
Narrator: and so thus was the start of Farmerman, the Guardian of Mineral Town! Enough with the formalities, let's pull out the gags!  
  
Ok, so that was weird and perhaps a little cheesy…and yes, Dr. Doctor will be a villain, but not the first. (Guess who?) Jack will meet the other residents of Mineral Town in the next few episodes. Um… that's it. Don't flame me please. 


	3. Episode 3: The First Adventure! Part 1

Author's Note: no, I don't own HM, nor do I own most of the characters in this story. Um…yea.  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 3: Farmerman's first real adventure (Part 1)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto a small shack, a very familiar small shack indeed…  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera moves in through the clouds. We see Jack's shack coming into view.)  
  
(Jack steps out of the shack, obviously still not very awake)  
  
Won: (appearing from nowhere) ahh, yes, you are the new person here. I am Won, a travelling merchant from the east. Can I rip yo-I mean, interest you into buying something? Perhaps, say, this amazing Super-Ultra-Delicious-Great-Wonderful Apple? (Holds it up) only 500G!  
  
(Jack's subconscious)  
  
Logic: I don't like the look of this guy. We can't spend 500g anyway. All gramps had buried in his field was only about 1000G.  
  
Emotion: but look at him! He went all the way here to sell this just to you! You should buy it!  
  
Lust: mmm…apple…sweet…sweet is good…  
  
(Camera shifts back to Jack and Won)  
  
Won: well, are you going to buy, or no?  
  
Jack: is it a vacuum cleaner?  
  
Won: (giving Jack an odd look) no, it's an apple, not a…  
  
(Jack snatches the apple and presses on a certain spot. A small tube extends from the apple and begins sucking in air.)  
  
Jack: (triumphantly) HA! IT'S A VACUUM CLEANER! GO AWAY VACUUM SALESMAN!  
  
Won: it's not fair! Rule #3427 of the ripper-off's association says that our inventory has to carry vacuum cleaners all the time!  
  
(A ton of water appears from nowhere and washes away Won and his merchandise.)  
  
Won: (Being washed away) AAH! I'M BEING TURNED INTO WON TON SOUP!  
  
Narrator: okay…so that was random and weird…  
  
Harvest Goddess: (appears) you know, I hate vacuum salesmen too. I see we're going to have a beautiful time working together. (Vanishes)  
  
Jack: (looks at checklist) ok, crops…watered. Animals: none.  
  
Dog: Arf! Arf! (Translation: Hey!)  
  
Jack: (Staring at the turnip sprouts) I don't understand it anyway! How can turnips manage to grow in 4 days? Are they some sort of high-yielding variety or something?  
  
Dog: Arf!  
  
Jack: oh well. (Strides over to mailbox, opens it, and sorts through letters) Gramp's bills, dating from 1 year ago…mouldy cheese, old new year's day cards…and…an invitation?  
  
(Camera zooms in on the invitation. It reads: You are hence cordially invited to the introduction of (Insert name here) Jack, who is the newest member of our fine town. The time and venue is today, 10 Am, at Doug's place. Yours faithfully, Thomas the Mayor.)  
  
Jack: (Voice overhead) I don't think I'll g-  
  
(Camera shifts down to read: PS: there will be free food.)  
  
Jack: (laughing) hahaha! Yeah, rig-  
  
(Camera shifts even further down to show: PPS: Really. I'm not kidding.)  
  
Jack: free food? Really?! AAaaAaaAAa! (Runs off)  
  
Narrator: not long after, and not very far away…  
  
(Scene changes to show Jack's doorstep. A mysterious hand comes into view of the camera, and sets down an extremely cute stuffed chicken plush toy.)  
  
Narrator: oh no! what could this mean? is it some ill portent of some sort? Meanwhile…  
  
(The scene changes to the interior of the Inn. The whole populace of Mineral town is assembled, well, almost the whole populace…)  
  
Thomas: and so we introduce to you the newest addition to our town, Jack!  
  
(General applause)  
  
Thomas: and so, Jack, do you have anything to say?  
  
Jack: (Mumbles something incoherently)  
  
Thomas: (either not noticing, or ignoring Jack) thank you! I'm sure that every one of you who has already met Jack agrees he is a wonderful person!  
  
(Both Elli and Cliff Glare at the inebriated Jack)  
  
Jack: (dimly aware he's being watched) wsflg?  
  
Ann: (to Popuri) maybe Karen shouldn't have challenged him to a drinking match…  
  
(Both of them look downwards. Camera shifts down to show Karen, out cold on the floor, she twitches occasionally.)  
  
Popuri: I think so…  
  
Ann: why isn't your brother here today?  
  
Popuri: (Shrugs) I don't know. He said he had something to take care of…  
  
(Camera shifts back to Thomas and Jack)  
  
Thomas: and so, without further ado, let us eat the fo-  
  
(Suddenly, the whole populace starts to walk zombie-like towards the door. Without Thomas to support him, Jack slumps to the floor. Camera fades to black as the residents of Mineral town lurch out of the inn.)  
  
Narrator: oh no? what has gone wrong with the people of Mineral Town? Is this Farmerman's first real adventure? Will Jack ever recover from the effects of alcohol in time to save the day as Farmerman? Who took the cheese? All these and more, in the next episode of The Chronicles of Farmerman!  
  
Holds out tin mug um…yeah. Reviews please. The villain makes his appearance in the next episode! 


	4. Episode 4: The First Adventure! Part 2

Author's Note: ok…so I got a few reviews. Yay. Now to write more chapters to give me an excuse to get more reviews to make me write more chapters in order to…well, you get the idea. Now without further ado, we present to you…  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 4: Farmerman's first real adventure (Part 2)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the empty main room of an inn.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera moves into the inn. We see the unconscious form of Jack slumped in front of the bar counter.)  
  
Narrator: how will Jack manage to turn into Farmerman and save the day if he's out cold? What is needed is-  
  
(Chef crawls out from under a table and strides over to Jack.)  
  
Chef: (punches Jack on the head) come on, budum. Wake up, budum.  
  
(The inebriated form of Jack groans.)  
  
Chef: this isn't good, budum. Mistress will not be happy.  
  
(Chef sighs and magics the alcohol from Jack's bloodstream into Karen in a shower of sparkles. Karen goes purple, gargles and foams at the mouth.)  
  
Chef: all right, budum! Let's clean this up, budum!  
  
(The other Harvest Sprites appear and drag Karen out of sight. All the Harvest Sprites then vanish under a table.)  
  
Jack: (groaning and trying to pick himself up) what happened?  
  
Voice of Harvest Goddess: (in Jack's head) all right, up on your feet! Hup-two hup-two off to rose square you go! Don't ask your amazing superhero powers to sense where you're needed, okay, just move!  
  
(Jack staggers towards the door)  
  
Voice of Harvest Goddess: (Audible sigh)  
  
Narrator: why is Jack going to Rose Square? What evil awaits him? How much wood would Gotz chuck if Gotz could chuck wood? All after a word from our sponsors…  
  
(Scene changes to the inside of the confessional. It is completely dark.)  
  
Voice of Carter: (angrily) all right Jack. You've confessed to outraging the modesty of your animals, hurling stones at Rick, burying all your fish bones on the beach, building a privy over the stream which is the main source of drinking water for the town, attempting to stab Dr. Doctor, sexually assaulting Elli…  
  
(Insert very long string of sins here)  
  
Voice of Carter: digging a big hole under Rose Square, putting poison mushrooms into the Harvest pot, committing unspeakable crimes against humankind and wanting to marry Kappa. What do you have to say for yourself?  
  
(Insert sounds of clock ticking and heart beating here)  
  
Voice of Jack: (sharply) it's all right so far! I had Mineral Grain Bars!  
  
(Insert angelic chorus. A beam of light shines down, lighting up the room.)  
  
Carter: (stuffing his face with Mineral Grain Bars) (slightly muffled) yes, it's all right so far! You had Mineral Grain Bars! The Harvest Goddess forgives all your sins! Come again any time-but remember to bring Mineral Grain Bars!  
  
Mysterious Voice: Mineral Grain Bars. Not just the Choice of pissed-off priests, but your choice, too!  
  
Narrator: aren't Mineral Grain Bars simply amazing? Anyway…  
  
(The scene changes to Rose Square. The general population of Mineral Town is milling about blindly.)  
  
Rick: (dressed in a crude chicken costume) Bwahahaha! Now, the whole population of Mineral Town is mine, through my amazingly cute hypnotic chicken plush toys! Today, Mineral Town, tomorrow, Forget-Me-Not valley, and by Saturday, I, the Fowl Villain, will rule the world!  
  
Jack: (hiding behind trash can) this seems like a job for…Farmerman! (Dives into the trash can)  
  
(A green light shines out from the cracks in the trash can. The trash can rocks around for a short while, then…)  
  
Jack: (emerging from the trash can, all covered in rubbish) (looks at camera) all right, whose idea was it to have me go in there?  
  
Narrator: (whistles nonchantly) um…  
  
Jack: (jumping out into view) halt, foul villain! I, Farmerman, have come to stop your evilness! (Holds up Hoe of Destruction dramatically)  
  
Rick: it's FOWL Villain! Why are you not hypnotized?  
  
Narrator: not very long ago…  
  
(Scene changes to behind the chicken coop. We see the Dog with the chicken plush toy in its mouth.)  
  
Dog: Arf! Arf! Grr….(Proceeds to rip the toy to shreds)  
  
Narrator: anyway…  
  
(Scene changes back to Jack.)  
  
Jack: now, nerd, prepare to face the wrath of agriculture, animal rearing and…um…making lots of money!  
  
Rick: (momentarily distracted) I'm a Geek, not a nerd! Nerds are loser-like fat, ugly guys who have pimply faces, and do nothing but memorize multiplication tables all day while Geeks are intelligent, mysterious people who are tall, skinny and strangely attractive!  
  
Jack: (using the moment to hurl himself at the pile of chicken stuffed toys) yaaahhhhh! (Raises Hoe of Destruction)  
  
(The Hoe of Destruction comes crashing down onto the pile, effectively vaporizing it. The populace of Mineral Town come to their senses and makes a run for it.)  
  
Rick: nooo! You haven't beaten me yet, Farmerman…I still have…THIS!  
  
(Camera swings to the right to show Mary, Ann, and Elli sitting down by the bench. They are all cuddling cute chicken plush toys and are sucking their thumbs, seemingly unaware of the situation.)  
  
Jack: unhand the fair ladies, Foul Villain, and nothing will be broken, except your glasses, an arm, a few ribs, and possibly your neck!  
  
Rick: how many times do I have to say…IT'S FOWL VILLIAN! And no! I will hug them and love them and call them George! (Laughs evilly)  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Jack: okay…  
  
(Jack takes a step towards Rick and the girls.)  
  
Rick: now, Farmerman, don't get any ideas, for I…(Pulls out laptop) have used my high computer skills as a Nerd to…  
  
(A giant Maths textbook materialises in front of Jack)  
  
Jack: no…not…(dun dun dun) maths!  
  
Rick: (points at Jack) now, destroy that pest!  
  
Giant Maths Textbook: um…Rawr?  
  
(Scene changes to an RPG-like battle screen)  
  
Jack attacks!  
  
It didn't affect Giant Maths Textbook…  
  
Rick: (voice offscreen) Bwahaha! Nothing material can counter the power of mathematics! Prepare to meet your doom, Farmerman!  
  
Giant Maths Textbook used Mathematics!  
  
Jack takes 20 stamina points of damage!  
  
Jack: nothing material…(light bulb appears over Jack's head) of course!  
  
Giant Maths Textbook used Trigonometry!  
  
Jack: sine bracket a plus b equals sine a times cosine b plus sine b plus cosine a. sine theta plus cosine theta can be expressed at either R times sine or cosine bracket theta plus alpha bracket, where R is a constant.  
  
Giant Maths Textbook used Mathematical Induction!  
  
Jack: let P be the proposition that bracket insert equation here bracket. Prove the p first case, the let Pk be the proposition that bracket insert equation here but replace variable with k bracket. Assume Pk case to be true. Find out how right hand side Pk plus one case differs from Pkth case. Adjust left hand side of Pk case by how the right hand side differs to end up by left hand side of Pk plus one case. Write concluding statement.  
  
Giant Maths Textbook: structural…integrity…failing…  
  
(The Giant Maths Textbook explodes, sending Rick and his laptop sailing through the air.)  
  
Rick: I'll get you for this, Faaaaarrrmmmmeeeerrrrmaaaaaaaaaan! (Vanishes from sight)  
  
Jack: yay! School paid off today! (Does victory pose)

(Jack rushes over and begins to remove the stuffed chickens from the girls.)  
  
(Scene changes to inside Jack's subconscious.)  
  
Lust: well, what do you think would happen if our hand went-  
  
Logic: no.  
  
Lust: well, we could accidentally tear-  
  
Logic: no.  
  
Lust: perhaps a peek...  
  
Logic: Caution! Help me get Lust into the straightjacket again! And sit on him!  
  
(Scene changes back to Jack. Jack hurls the evil stuffed chicken plushies onto the ground and hacks at them. Stuffing floats in the air.)  
  
Ann: (coming to her senses) Elli? Mary? What happened? And why's this funny green guy in a too-tight costume here?  
  
Jack: Fear not, fair ladies! The whole town was under the spell of the evil chicken plushies, but I, Farmerman have saved you! My work here is done! Remember, Eat your greens, Drink your milk, Spread more mayo and Wear more wool! (Flies off)  
  
Narrator: and so…  
  
(Scene changes back to Doug's Inn. Everyone is milling about, eating the free food.)  
  
Jack: (crawling in the door like someone stranded in a desert) food…I…need…foooood…  
  
(Gotz goes over, picks Jack up and sets him in a chair, Doug comes over with a huge plate of food. Jack begins to almost literally inhale it.)  
  
Thomas: (coming up) Jack, where were you? You should've been there! Some foul villain almost took over Mineral Town, but some guy calling himself Farmerman saved us all!  
  
Elli: he was so brave!  
  
Mary: and strong…  
  
Ann: and wore a bad costume. Not to mention he wore his underwear on the outside.  
  
Doctor: I think healthy dishes are a good idea.  
  
(Awkward silence. Everyone stares at Doctor.)  
  
Doctor: what?  
  
Narrator: meanwhile, under the table…  
  
(Scene changes to under the table. The Harvest Sprites are standing on Karen, who is in a pool of foam which smells strongly of alcohol.)  
  
Aqua: I told you, it was a bad idea to magic all the alcohol from Jack into her! Now I'll never get clean, budum!  
  
Timid: mistress is going to be mad at us for being late, budum.  
  
Chef: shut up, budum.  
  
Narrator: and so ends the first adventure of Farmerman. Happily for most people, but not for Karen, unfortunately…  
  
Ok! End of story! Hoped you liked it! Reviews please! (Holds out the tin mug)


	5. Episode 5: Why you should never overwork...

Author's Note: all right, so I'm here. Um…is there anything so say…enjoy the story, any ideas you have, post them in a review or email them over, and I'll consider them deeply. Without further ado, let the story begin! And remember to review!  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 5: why you should never be a workaholic (Part 1)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the crowded main room of an inn.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera zooms in onto the main room of Doug's Inn. It is night time outside. We see Jack, Carter, Cliff and Basil sitting round one of the tables. Doug is behind the bar as usual.)  
  
Basil: (obviously very drunk) ands sho I tawld the plant-eating aliens from theesh planet cawnivohros, yaw ken et awl the cropz ya wan, buz if yaz et thosh dere toy flawers ah'll kick yer azz back the outah space! (Keels over, face hitting the table)  
  
(Polite applause from the others)  
  
Doug: (sharply) get that wine away from him! I don't want another Karen in my bar-that foam was so alcoholic, it burned a hole in the floor so deep, it cost me 5000G to repair!  
  
Cliff: (raises hand) ……  
  
Carter: yes? You want a confessional now?  
  
Cliff: (nods) …………  
  
Carter: well, okay…I suppose I can make an exception…who's first?  
  
Doug: well, I secretly put lots of salt into the food I sell to make people thirsty and thus want to buy my drinks…  
  
(Carter morphs into a 8-foot tall monster with scaly skin, a lizard tail, horns and glowing red eyes. Everyone in the bar immediately gape at Carter's new form.)  
  
Carter: (roars) What do you mean, you put extra salt into food? How dare you betray the trust of your customers for your own personal gain! Your greed will lead to your eventual downfall! The Harvest Goddess has not forgiven you, and someday you will pay the price! That is enough for today's confession. Come again any time.  
  
Everyone: (speechless)  
  
Carter: (growls) who's next?  
  
Cliff: (timidly raises hand) …………..  
  
Carter: come again?  
  
Cliff: ………….  
  
Carter: I can't believe this…how can you…you…actually play Harvest Goddess! How could you clone Stu by mixing flour and milk in a pot and adding salt, vegetables and fish! You have violated the right of the Harvest Goddess to create life, and as such, you have committed a grievous sin! How would you like it if someone made clones of you? The Harvest Goddess has not forgiven you, and someday you will pay the price! That is enough for today's confession. Come again any time.  
  
Basil: (still raving drunk) ah like pumpkens.  
  
Carter: what's so sinful about that?  
  
Basil: (holds up hand in the air) nonononono. Nosh like dat. Joo see, Anna wahn't (Censored) weeth mah, so whash I do eez tak theez pumpkin, scoop out a long, narrow hole, and…  
  
Narrator: (comes up and puts a big "Censored" sign) the rest of this description has been cut off for the sake of the little kiddies out there. Please bear with us.  
  
(The big sign suddenly disappears. Everyone is staring at Basil.)  
  
Carter: (trembling) How…How…that is pure…YOU HAVE ABUSED THE BOUNTIES OF NAUTRE! AND NOT JUST ABUSED, BUT ABUSED IN THIS PERVERSE, HORRIFYING WAY! HECK, NOT ONLY THE HARVEST GODDESS WON'T FORGIVE YOU, I WON'T EITHER! (Grabs Basil)  
  
(Sounds of pain are heard outside. After a while, Carter comes back alone in human form, and sits down at the table with Jack and the others.)  
  
Carter: (acting as if nothing happened) since this is confession, I suppose I'll confess too. My church is nothing but a front for Carter's Meat and Poultry co. , associated human body parts by special arrangement. That's why after all this time, the cemetery is still so small and is never filled up. Oh I have been a bad boy. That's all for today's group confessional. Have a good day.  
  
(Inside Jack's mind)  
  
Caution: it was a good thing that we decided not to tell him about that dream we had last night.  
  
Emotion: oh, the dream involving Elli and-  
  
Logic: he'd probably have torn us to shreds.  
  
(Scene changes back to bar)  
  
Jack: you know, I wonder why the Doctor's not here today. He should be here…  
  
Cliff: (drains his mug of beer) ………………….  
  
Jack: you're probably right. I've only been here for two weeks, I probably don't know him too well…  
  
Narrator: not very far away, in the Clinic…  
  
(Scene changes to the Doctor's room in the clinic. We see the Doctor bent over a desk, scribbling furiously away.)  
  
Doctor: (mumbling as if in a trance) I'm just not a good enough doctor…I'm just not a good enough doctor…  
  
Narrator: they say that there is a thin line between genius and madness. A childhood of being neglected, being unloved (or at least not knowing about it) and daily overwork have contrived to tip Poor Dr. Tim Doctor off this line.  
  
(The Doctor bounces onto his feet and runs around in circles with a crazy grin on his face)  
  
Narrator: well, it seems the Doctor has finally snapped. What will this mean for Mineral Town? More importantly, what will it mean for Jack? Find out in the next episode of The Chronicles of Farmerman! And now to put in a lame filler…  
  
(Scene changes to the interior of Ellen's house. Ellen is sitting in her rocking chair, holding a big book. May and Stu are sitting on the ground in front of her.)  
  
Ellen: hello, everyone! It's time for Ellen's happy fun time filler stories! Today's story is…  
  
How the Gourmet got his big lips  
  
Once upon a time there lived a normal little gourmet guy. Then he met another little boy named Rick.  
  
"come over here, gourmet guy." said Rick, "I want to show you something."  
  
the little gourmet guy, thinking it was a puppy or something, followed Rick. Rick took him behind his barn where he kept his "special chickens."  
  
"let's play a game." said Rick, "you can be my assistant. Here. hold this chicken still for me..."  
  
the sight that met the poor little gourmet guy's eyes at that point made his mouth stretch in horror so much, that it broke all of the elasticity in his skin, and his mouth never returned to its normal size. he ran away without looking where he was going and ended up running into a wall, so that his lips became swollen. They were never the same again...  
  
Ellen: and that's all for today's story. Remember, it's things like this which give this story it's rating, otherwise it'd be PG!  
  
Ok, Job done! holds out tin mug to be givink me reviews please! 


	6. Episode 6: Why you should never overwork...

Author's note: I don't own HM, Natsume does. Okay. However, all the ideas in this story belong to me. (Well, mostly.) anyways, thanks to all those kind people who reviewed! Yay! Now I have enough reviews to buy…an actual collection hat! (Hurls away tin mug) now without further ado, let us begin the story! Yay! I've decided that there will be 3 main villains which will come back repeatedly, while some episodes may feature other villains that will appear once or twice in the series.  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 6: why you should never be a workaholic (Part 2)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, into the interior of Mineral Clinic, the examining room to be precise.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera moves into the Clinic. We see the Doctor sitting behind the examining table, whistling a strange tune.)  
  
Jeff's Voice: (from outside) it hurts…!  
  
Elli's Voice: Doctor! Doctor!  
  
(The Doctor props himself up in his chair. Jeff stumbles in, clutching his stomach, followed by Elli.)  
  
Doctor: (forms a tent with his hands) Gastric problems again, Jeff?  
  
Jeff: (evidently in a lot of pain) I think so…  
  
Doctor: (talking a pill bottle from Elli) well, take these three times dail-hey, this isn't Jeff's medicine!  
  
Elli: (looking worried) you're right…I'll go get it…(retrieves the pill bottle and leaves)  
  
Jeff: am I going to be all right? (Groans)  
  
Doctor: actually, there's a revolutionary new procedure that can cure your condition permanently…  
  
Jeff: (looking up) really?  
  
Doctor: yes. It's completely new… you just need to sign this form. (Hands Jeff a sheet of paper.)  
  
(Jeff takes the paper and reads it. Camera zooms onto the sheet of paper. It reads: )  
  
I, Jeff, hereby give the brilliant and amazingly genius-like Dr. Doctor full permission to perform highly experimental medical procedures on me. By signing this form, I understand that I am freeing Dr. Doctor of all liability and possible lawsuits concerning anything that may happen to me during this operation. These risks include, but are not limited to, the following possible occurrences:  
  
-Mild injury  
  
-Moderate injury  
  
-Severe injury  
  
-Crippling injury  
  
-Life-threatening injury  
  
-Severed limbs  
  
-Accidental or intentional separation of torso from legs  
  
-Accidental or intentional separation of head from neck  
  
-Loss of sight  
  
-Loss of hearing  
  
-Loss of other 3 senses  
  
-Death by heat stroke  
  
-Death by freezing  
  
-Death by homicide  
  
-Death by suicide  
  
-Death by blood loss  
  
-Death by infection  
  
-Death by disease  
  
-Death by heart failure  
  
-Death by brain failure  
  
-Death by liver failure  
  
-Death by lung failure  
  
-Death by kidney failure  
  
-Death by choking  
  
-Death by drowning  
  
-Death by starvation  
  
-Death by dehydration  
  
-Death by some sorta animal killing you  
  
-Death by gangrene   
  
-Death by SARS  
  
-Death by total explosion of body  
  
-Death by total implosion of body  
  
-Death by spontaneously bursting into flame somehow  
  
-Death by paper cuts  
  
-Death by knife cuts  
  
-Death by bullets getting shot into you…from a gun  
  
-Death by any other form of death possible  
  
I understand these risks and submit to Dr. Doctor's experiment.  
  
Jeff's Signature:   
  
Thank you for your volunteering yourself for death…I mean a new revolutionary operation.  
  
(Jeff pales noticeably)  
  
Doctor: (grinning slightly) that's all there is to it. Nothing to worry about.  
  
Jeff: I-I think I'll stick to the pills, please.  
  
Doctor: (raises eyebrow) oh? Your loss, I suppose…  
  
Narrator: meanwhile, outside the examining office…  
  
(The scene switches to outside the examining office. Elli is in her usual place behind the front desk, while Jack is leaning on the other side of the counter.)  
  
Elli: (burying her head in her hands) I can't believe this…how could I make such a mistake? Will I ever be a good nurse?  
  
(Inside Jack's mind)  
  
Emotion: (waving her arms wildly) look! Look! She's obviously suffering from a bout of low self-esteem! Do something, say something! Cheer her up!  
  
Logic: there would indeed be something to be gained from raising the spirits of this poor soul. Especially so, when all we wanted to do was to buy a bodigizer.  
  
Caution: this is one of those moments where things could go either way, either into bliss or utter chaos.  
  
Lust: will it help me get some.  
  
Narrator: and as such, the final result is…  
  
Jack: don't worry, I'm sure you'll make a fine nurse. Everyone makes mistakes every once in a while.  
  
Elli: (looking down) um…thanks for trying to cheer me up…  
  
Jack: (looks down also) um…  
  
Elli: yes?  
  
Jack: actually…I'm sorry for throwing up muddy water all over your nice blue dress and apron…  
  
Elli: it's alright…I actually didn't mind it when you called me…  
  
Jack: (coughs nervously) actually…  
  
Voice of the Harvest Goddess: (in Jack's mind) sorry to spoil this, but you're needed as of now.  
  
Jack: (thinking) but…  
  
Voice of the Harvest Goddess: it's all right. I'll grant you a wish later…or would you rather save Little Stu, who has fallen into the sea?  
  
Jack: (finishing up) ihavetogoquicklyi'mneededsomwhere,bye!  
  
(Jack runs out of the clinic, a slightly embarrassed Elli staring at his retreating form.)  
  
Narrator: a few hours later…  
  
(The scene changes to behind the church. Jack is busy squeezing salty water out of his cape.)  
  
Jack: (mumbling to self) stupid Stu…now my costume is soggy…(squeezes some more water out of the mask)  
  
(Flashback)  
  
(Scene shows Jack fishing off the pier at Mineral Beach. An exclamation mark appears over his head.)  
  
Mysterious Voice: you fished a Stu. It's 1M 30 cm big.  
  
Assorted Townspeople behind Jack: yay!  
  
Stu: (hugging Jack and getting his costume all wet) thank you, Farmerman! Can you make a cow I could ride?  
  
Jack: …  
  
(End Flashback)  
  
Voice of Harvest Goddess: (In Jack's mind) Jack!  
  
Jack: (groans) what? Can't I at least squeeze this salt water out of my costume first?  
  
Voice of Harvest Goddess: not now, Jack! I sense a new evil arising…something to do with HUGGLES.  
  
Jack: huh? HUGGLES? What's that?  
  
Voice of Harvest Goddess: look, you're supposed to be my Avatar, okay? Two weeks off is enough for you! Now get to the Clinic!  
  
Jack: what? The clinic? Oh no! Elli! (Runs off)  
  
Harvest Goddess: (appearing out of nowhere and watching Jack run off) you know, it's really easy to control someone once you find out what they really want.  
  
(Camera fades out)  
  
Narrator: what evil is Dr. Doctor up to? What does HUGGLES stand for? Is it dangerous? Will Jack, also known as Farmerman, be able to stop whatever nefarious deeds Dr. Doctor is up to? Find out in the next episode of…The Chronicles Of Farmerman! 


	7. Episode 7: Why you should never overwork...

Author's Note: …ok…I don't own Harvest Moon, Natsume and Victor interactive studios do. Ok? Yay. Now without further ado, let us proceed with…  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 7: why you should never be a workaholic (Part 7)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, into the interior of Mineral Clinic, which is currently in a state of relative disarray.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera moves into the Clinic. Jack barges in through the front door, clothed as Farmerman.)  
  
Jack: Doctor! Elli! (stares at the mess) oh no…  
  
(Muffled noises come from behind the counter. Jack rushes over. Elli is behind the counter, bound and gagged.)  
  
Elli: (muffled noises)  
  
Jack: it's all right. Where's the Doctor?  
  
Elli: (shakes head, accompanied by more muffled noises.)  
  
Jack: it's okay…just stay here, and keep quiet. I'll be back soon, and get you out. Okay?  
  
Elli: (nods, with more muffled noises)  
  
Narrator: meanwhile, upstairs…(Author's note: to avoid confusion, when the Doctor is in his Dr. Doctor persona, I will refer him as Dr. Doctor, and otherwise, just as Doctor.)  
  
(The scene changes to the Doctor's room in the upstairs portion of the Clinic. Boxes and papers litter the place. In the middle of the room is an evil-looking machine and Dr. Doctor is standing by it.)  
  
Dr Doctor: yeesk! Vinally, ze HUGGLES haz been delivered vy Zack! Veeth zees HUGGLES, I vill kawnqer ze vorld! Ahahaha!  
  
Jack: (bursting in) hold it right there! What have you done with the Doctor?  
  
Dr. Doctor: ah…ze good Doktor…I haf merely displaced heem a short diztance away. He eez useful, after all.  
  
Jack: um…what's huggles?  
  
Dr. Doctor: (wildly gesticulating) ah, zees HUGGLES eez ackually zees Highly Underhanded Girl-Grabbing Laser Emitting System. Eez wery useful, no? (Holds up box. It reads on the label: Shopping Network .co. Manufactured by lots of little Chinese slaves slogging away for half a bowl of rice a day in sweatshops. Won manufacturing .co)  
  
Jack: (points Hoe of Destruction at Dr. Doctor) return the Doctor now, or face the collective wrath of vegetables!  
  
Dr. Doctor: I eem thinkink not, Varferman. Vor…  
  
(HUGGLES starts spraying laser beams wildly. Jack starts hurling turnips in order to counter the lasers, but is struck by one and is hurled against the wall.)  
  
Narrator: oh no! it seems that our hero, Jack, has been knocked out! Is this the end of Farmerman? Find out after a word from our sponsors…  
  
(The scene changes to the interior of the blacksmith's. Gray is hard at work, while Saibara lounges behind the counter.)  
  
Mary: (coming in) hi…I came to thank you for upgrading a too-  
  
Gray: (suddenly) ouch!  
  
Mary: (looking at Gray) what happened?  
  
Gray: (grimacing in pain) I think I hurt myself…  
  
Saibara: well, it's his own fault he hurt himself!  
  
Gray: maybe, but…  
  
(Gray holds up his left arm, where his left hand should have been, is a bloodied stump. Mary and Saibara gape in shock.)  
  
Saibara: (starting to run in circles while Gray looks on morosely) what'llwedowhat'llwedomygrandsonjustlosthishand…  
  
Mary: (sits down and thinks for a while, then stands up) I've got it!  
  
(Mary pulls out 3 Mineral Grain Bars from nowhere, and passes Gray and Saibara one each. All three of them wolf down the bars.)  
  
Saibara: wow, the wonderful taste of the Pickled Turnip Mineral Grain Bars help me think clearly!  
  
Gray: the amazingly yumminess of the bread-flavoured Grain Bars took away the pain!  
  
Mary: now after eating the Mineral Grain Bars, we can all think rationally in this crisis and make correct decisions!  
  
Saibara: I'll go get the Doctor! (Runs out)  
  
(Scene changes to outside the smithy. Doctor and Elli arrive with a stretcher. Gray gets onto the stretcher, along with his severed hand. Doctor and Elli run off with Gray on the stretcher.)  
  
Mysterious Voice: Mineral Grain Bars. Not just the choice of old crabby blacksmiths, but your choice, too!  
  
Narrator: and now that this has been done with, let's continue…  
  
(Scene changes back to inside the Doctor's room.)  
  
Dr. Doctor: (advancing upon the winded Jack) now, Varmerman, I haf you! Zere eez no ezcape vrom…ze HUGGLES!  
  
Narrator: is this the end of Vermerman…I mean Farmerman?  
  
(Suddenly, the Dog jumps in through the window and bites Dr. Doctor's leg.)  
  
Dog: (muffled) Arf! Arf!  
  
Dr. Doctor: (temporarily distracted) ees pathetic mutt! Haw dere zoo byte zee amazink Dr. Doktor!  
  
(Dr. Doctor tries to shake off the Dog, but the Dog has a death grip on his leg.)  
  
Jack: (struggling up) you know, Dog, I might hate you, but…thanks!  
  
(Jack hurls one final turnip at HUGGLES. For some mysterious and unexplained reason, the HUGGLES explodes.)  
  
Dr. Doctor: (finally pries the Dog off his leg) kurse zoo, Varmerman! Joo haf voiled my plans zoo take over ze world! (Dives out of the window)  
  
Jack: well that settles that! Now to save the Doctor…  
  
(Jack searches briefly for the Doctor, but as expected, the Doctor is nowhere to be found. Jack eventually gives up, shrugs his shoulders, and goes down to free Elli.)  
  
Jack: remember, eat your greens and drink milk! Support your local farmers! (Runs out of Clinic, leaving a slightly dazed Elli behind.)  
  
Narrator: meanwhile, upstairs…  
  
(The scene changes back to the Doctor's room. The Harvest Sprites climb in through the window.)  
  
Chef: alright, budum! Cleanup crew move in!  
  
(The Harvest Sprites file in one by one and start cleaning up the room in a shower of rainbow sparkles.)  
  
Narrator: some time later…  
  
(Scene changes back to the interior of the Doctor's room, all cleaned up. The Doctor is seemingly back at cramming.)  
  
Doctor: (reaches out for plate of fried chicken and bites into a chicken drumstick)  
  
Random Chicken: (walks by) ARRRGH! He just ate Sarah! (Faints)  
  
(The Doctor picks up the Chicken and hurls it out of the window. Camera zooms in onto the title of the book the Doctor is reading. The title is "Evil Doctors for Dummies.")  
  
Doctor: Evil Doctors for Dummies Chapter 5: causing utter terror through eating. I think I'm making good progress!  
  
(Camera fades out)  
  
Narrator: and so, Farmerman has protected Mineral Town from the forces of evil…for now. What new tribulations will he face in his future in Mineral Town as Farmerman? Find out in the next episode of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!  
  
(Scene opens at the Harvest Goddess spring. Jack throws in a bunch of flowers.)  
  
Jack: come on…appear…  
  
(Minutes tick by. Jack eventually plops onto his back and takes a nap.)  
  
Harvest Goddess: (appearing in a flash of light) all right, all right! Can't I even get my hair done in peace?  
  
Jack: (gets up) um…wish?  
  
Harvest Goddess: ah yes. I promised you a wish. (sighs) all right. Since you've come and visited me so many times, I will grant you a wish. Is there a girl you like?  
  
Jack: (looking down, his face flushed)…………  
  
Harvest Goddess: (sighs) you don't have to tell me, I know. You like Elli. You even have wet dreams every night of an extremely disturbing nature, which I won't even go into, and you've only known her for what, two weeks? But we gotta do this according to protocol. So?  
  
Jack: (mumbles) Elli…  
  
Harvest Goddess: fine. I'll make Elli more romantically inclined towards you. (Snaps fingers) there! All done! Don't be a stranger, now.  
  
Jack: um…is it really okay to mess with people's minds?  
  
Harvest Goddess: well, as a relatively all-powerful goddess, that question never came to my mind. Bye now. (Vanishes.)  
  
Jack: (standing still for a moment) yippee! (Runs out of camera)  
  
(Camera fades out)  
  
Yay. (Holds out review collection plate) give reviews, or Stu here will cry! 


	8. Episode 8: AntiJack Part 1

Author's Note: waah! Is ze not beink havink any reviews! (Stu cries in the background) now see what you did! Stu's crying! Oh well…without further ado, let us begin…the next chapter of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 8: Anti-Jack (Part 1)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the all-too-familiar-by-now farm of Jack, last name unknown.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera zooms in onto Jack's farm. We see Jack busy pulling out turnips from the field. Camera swings across the field. Although all of it is tilled, only a small corner is planted.)  
  
Jack: (looking into camera) what? I know! All the Goddess gave me was the Hoe of Destruction, but she didn't give me anything to water the crops with! (Returns to pulling out turnips) (Mumbles to self) got to get in all the turnips before spring ends…  
  
(Zack walks in)  
  
Zack: hey, Jack. Here's the special bait you ordered from the TV Shopping Network. Now put that rod I gave you to good use, will you? (Hands Jack the box)  
  
Jack: um…yeah…  
  
(Flashback)  
  
(The scene changes to the interior of Doug's inn. Jack is on the phone.)  
  
Phone: Hello. This is the TV Shopping Network. Would you like to buy our latest fishing baits?  
  
Jack: yes.  
  
Phone: thanks a lot. I'll deliver it in 2-3 days.  
  
(Jack puts down the phone, opens his wallet and starts counting the money.)  
  
Jack: (to self) I wonder how they do it…exactly 1000G's gone.  
  
(End Flashback)  
  
Zack: delivered safe and sound! (Turns to leave)  
  
Jack: um…Zack?  
  
Zack: (stops) yeah?  
  
Jack: (leans against the shipment box) I was just wondering…how on earth does this tiny box manage to hold my whole crop of turnips? I mean, given the laws of physics…  
  
(Zack stares at Jack in an odd way for a while.)  
  
Jack: did I say something wrong?  
  
Zack: (whispering) ok…I'll tell you, but you have to keep it a secret.  
  
Jack: (nods)  
  
Zack: (whispering) you see, what actually is in that tiny box is a miniature black hole. When you put stuff in, it gets sucked into the black hole, and the momentary vacuum causes the box to wobble. I'm not sure how they get the stuff out afterwards. I just do the shipping.  
  
Jack: (whispering) so if say, the black hole was to get out, quite a bit of the world would be going splat?  
  
Zack: (nods)  
  
Jack: well, I'm sure I'll sleep much better at night now.  
  
Zack: glad I could help. (leaves)  
  
(Jack waits for Zack to leave, then pulls out a scrap of paper. It is marked "Things to do today". Camera zooms in onto the piece of paper. The list reads: 1.harvest. 2. Buy cow.)  
  
Jack: (taking out a stub of pencil) one more thing to do. (Scribbles "go fishing" on the scrap of paper.)  
  
Narrator: meanwhile, far, far below the earth, further than the 255th level of the mine…  
  
(Scene changes to show a huge cavern , illuminated dimly by glowing red lights. There is a desk in one corner. Behind the desk is a very fat, egg-shaped silhouetted figure. On the wall opposite the desk is a screen, projecting what Jack is doing.)  
  
Mysterious Figure: (drums fingers on desk while watching Jack) so, it seems my nemesis has hired a mortal underling to do her dirty work…fortunately, I have done the same! As we supernatural beings aren't allowed to interfere directly on a large scale…  
  
(A sudden burst of light illuminates the figure. The figure is actually…)  
  
Gourmet: (looking angrily at camera) what did you expect? Since I eat lots and lots of crops, it's only fitting that I, the Gourmet, should be the Harvest Devil, the ultimate physical embodiment of evil! Welcome to crop hell, where bad crops go when they die! Enjoy your stay here!  
  
Narrator: okay…a short while later…  
  
(The scene changes to Zack, who is whistling a merry tune while walking past the poultry farm. Suddenly, he is whacked on the head from behind.)  
  
Zack: ow…(falls unconscious to the ground)  
  
(Whoever it was who knocked Zack out drags him out of the camera.)  
  
Narrator: oh no! who knocked Zack out? Does it have anything to do with the Harvest Devil's plans? Will Jack ever manage to buy a cow? Read on to find out…  
  
(Scene changes back to Jack, still pulling turnips out of the ground)  
  
Jack: (hurling a turnip into the shipment box, which wobbles dangerously) phew…that's the last one…(pats dirt off hands)  
  
(Jack pulls the to-do list out of his pocket, stares at it for a while, then walks to the exit of his farm. Camera follows Jack as he exits the farm and walks past the Poultry Farm. Camera swings to the right, showing Harris, Lillia, and Rick gathered in a circle around something.)  
  
Jack: (walks up) what's going on?  
  
Harris: (scribbling furiously on a notepad) …yes. And so you found Zack just lying there?  
  
Lillia: yes.  
  
Harris: (turning to face Jack) it appears that Zack has been knocked out cold. The shape of the injury suggests that something heavy was used, quite possibly a farming tool.  
  
Jack: (shocked) what?  
  
Harris: don't worry, he's in the clinic. Got a chalk outline of him though, used up most of my chalk.  
  
Rick: I wonder how something like this could happen in our peaceful little town…  
  
Harris: ever since this year started, I've been having much more work to do…at least this "Farmerman" is on our side…  
  
Jack: (rolling eyes) any way I can help?  
  
Harris: yeah…stay out of the way…(takes out a handkerchief and mops his brow)  
  
(Jack shrugs and is about to move forward when something at the side of the road catches his eye. He bends down and picks it up)  
  
Jack: I think I found something. (Shows Harris the item he found. Camera zooms in on the item. In Jack's fingers are three, long, blond hairs.)  
  
Harris: (scratches head) I'm not sure…no one in town has hair of that length and colour…  
  
Jack: oh well, you're the policeman. I'll leave these with you and be on my way…(Hands Harris the hairs and leaves.)  
  
(Camera follows Jack as he continues down the road. He turns into Yodel Farm and enters.)  
  
Jack: (leaning on the counter) I'd like a cow, please.  
  
Barley: and would you do the naming for me?  
  
Jack: huh? Don't they already have a name? The one you gave them?  
  
Barley: (shifting eyes) well…  
  
Jack: fine. I'll just call her cow. A cow named cow. There. (Hands over the money.)  
  
Barley: thanks! I'll put 'er in the barn for you!  
  
(Barley walks out of the house for a few seconds, then comes back in)  
  
Barley: all done!  
  
Jack: what? You've got to be kiddin-(checks list of cattle) HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT! HOW COULD YOU GET A COW, WALK OVER TO MY BARN, PUT HER IN, AND COME BACK ALL IN A FEW SECONDS?!  
  
Barley: (shrugs noncommittally)  
  
(Jack gives Barley an odd look, then leaves quickly. After the door shuts, Barley takes out a teleport stone from the recesses of his clothing.)  
  
Barley: (Gollum-like voice) prrrrreeeecioussssssss…  
  
Narrator: and that clears up that little mystery. Now meanwhile…  
  
(Scene changes to show Jack hurrying out of Yodel Farm. Camera shifts away from Jack to a nearby bush. As Jack's back is turned, a small periscope extends from the bush, and follows Jack as he reaches the farm gate.)  
  
Voice: (from inside bush) I knew it! That old man left the farm in HIS hands? Hm…  
  
(A Random Cow approaches the bush)  
  
Random Cow: moo?  
  
Voice: stupid cow…aah, I could do with a steak anyway.  
  
(A petite arm extends from the bush, and drags the cow into it. The bush rustles for a while. A few muffled "moo"s are heard, then the bush slinks across the river and disappears into the forest. After the bush disappears from sight, the Harvest Sprites file into the farm, dragging behind them a bottle of milk and a burlap sack painted white and black.)  
  
Bold: why do we always have to clean up after this guy, budum?  
  
Chef: because he works for mistress, and we don't dare disobey mistress, budum. Oh. And because you're ugly, budum.  
  
Barley: (from inside farmhouse) MILKING TIME!  
  
Chef: stations, budum! Everyone!  
  
(The Harvest Sprites scramble into the sack, taking the milk bottle with them.)  
  
Barley: (approaching the sack) now how are we feeling today, Betsy?  
  
Staid: (from inside sack) moo, budum.  
  
Barley: now then, dear, it's time for milking. (Gets out milker)  
  
Aqua: (hisses) pass the bottle, budum!  
  
(Timid passes the bottle to Aqua, who then slips it through a hole in the sack.)  
  
Barley: thanks, dearie. Now to move on…(Ambles away)  
  
Narrator: that was odd. Anyway…  
  
(The scene changes to Jack, standing on the pier.)  
  
Jack: (reading instruction leaflet) new amazing baits for fishing! Brought to you by Home Shopping Network. Attach these new baits to your rod and fish up things which have never been fished before!  
  
(Camera swings to the bait box next to Jack.)  
  
Jack: oh-kay…  
  
(Jack opens the box. Inside are various odds and ends, but nothing that one would normally consider bait.)  
  
Jack: oh well…let's try this. (picks out an item at random. It turns out to be some animal fodder. Jack attaches it to the rod and casts. Soon enough, there is a tug on the line. Jack pulls and fishes up a…)  
  
Mysterious Voice: you fished a sheep.  
  
Sheep: baa.  
  
Jack: okay, this is weird. (Lowers the sheep into the water.) let's try something else…(attaches a bottle of wine and casts. At the next tug, Karen and Duke both come up, clinging to the wine bottle.)  
  
Mysterious Voice: you fished a Karen and Duke.  
  
Karen: (punches Duke) hey, that's my wine!  
  
Duke: (punches Karen back) no, mine!  
  
Karen: mine!  
  
Duke: mine!  
  
Jack: (sweatdrops and lowers the two of them back into the water.)  
  
(Camera swings back to the remaining bait in the box, which include scrambled eggs, truffle rice, Hot Milk and rice balls.)  
  
Jack: I think I'll pass please. Don't wanna know what I can fish up with these. Maybe I'll go back and plant more turnips which grow in four days…  
  
(Jack picks up his rod and bait and prepares to leave, when suddenly a fluffy pink bunny hops over.)  
  
Jack: aww…look at the kayoot widdle bunny. Isn't this kayoot little bunny nice?  
  
(Jack looks up, and gapes. Camera follows Jack's line of vision to show hordes of fluffy little pink bunnies milling in Rose Square.)  
  
Jack: …oh…  
  
(Camera fades out)  
  
Narrator: where did the horde of fluffy, cute pink bunnies come from? Who is the underling of the Gourmet, also known as the Harvest Devil? Does it have anything to do with Zack being knocked out, and the mysterious bush? Find out all these and the recipe for Elli Leaves in the next episode of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!  
  
Actually, I've dropped enough hints in the episode to give you an idea of who Jack's evil twin is, especially the hair…Review, or May will cry! (Holds out tin mug) 


	9. Episode 9: AntiJack Part 2

Author's Note: as of the next ten weeks or so, I will only be updating weekly because of school. So please review. Um…I don't own HM, Natsume does. End of story. Review please (Holds out tin mug) um…boost my ego so I'll write more and better and…um…yea.  
  
The Chronicles of Farmerman:  
  
Episode 9: Anti-Jack (Part 2)  
  
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the all-too-familiar-by-now form of Jack, currently standing on Mineral Beach, watching a troop of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies swarm over Mineral Town.  
  
(Click)  
  
Narrator: STOP!  
  
(Camera zooms in onto Jack, who is still holding his rod and bait box. Jack shifts his eyes for a while.)  
  
Jack: well, guess I won't be needing this at the moment…(Stows his rod and fishing gear behind Zack's shack) now to find out what's going on…(Walks off)  
  
(Camera follows Jack as he clambers into Rose Square and wades through the living sea of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies. A few of them hop up cutely at him. He eventually reaches the Church.)  
  
Jack: (opening the Church door, letting a few Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies spill in) hello? Carter? Are you fine?  
  
Carter: (comes rushing out of the confessional) thank the Harvest Goddess you're fine, Jack!  
  
Jack: (leans against wall) so, got any idea what's going on here?  
  
Carter: (looking down) um…yes. The prophecy has come true.  
  
Jack: (raises eyebrow) hmm? What prophecy?  
  
Carter: actually, it came to me a year ago…I was there in the confessional, and then the voice of Harvest Goddess spoke to me! She said that soon, one sent by the Eater of Crops will come to Mineral Town, and the first sign would be a plague of Cute Little Things…  
  
Jack: Cute Little things? (Scratches head)  
  
Carter: yeah…cute little animals, like those you see at the lake…anyway, she told me that we should not worry, that she would send one to deal with the one sent by the Eater of Crops and that…  
  
Jack: (mutters under breath) my cue again. (Dashes out of Church)  
  
Carter: …the last thing was rather interesting, that both the hero and the one sent by the Eater of Crops would be two lives from the same source…(looks up) hey, where'd he go? (A Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny hops up onto his head)  
  
Narrator: what could this cryptic phrase mean for Farmerman? And so…  
  
(The scene changes back to Jack, who is running back to his farm. On the way, he treads on something.)  
  
Doctor: (from under the mass of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies) ow.  
  
Jack: (reaching into the pile) hm? Oh, sorry…(pulls the Doctor out)  
  
Doctor: (dusting himself off) whew…what are all these animals doing here? You know, you could catch some horrible things from these…  
  
Jack: can't talk. Got to hurry. (Runs off)  
  
Doctor: (waits till Jack is out of sight, then pulls out a book.) Evil Doctors for Dummies, Chapter 14: when facing a calamity, learn how it is done, so you can replicate it whenever you wish. (Flips a few more pages) oh well…  
  
(Camera switches back to Jack, who by now has reached his farm. As he reaches his shack, he sees Gotz stuffing Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies into a sack.)  
  
Jack: (staring at Gotz) what are you doing?  
  
Gotz: oh, there's just a good eating on one of these! Best not to let these go to waste…we be making rabbit soup tonight! (cackles evilly, and walks over to the other side of the farm to stuff more Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies into the wriggling sack.)  
  
(Jack blinks, walks into the farmhouse, and turns on the TV.)  
  
TV: and for today's news. Multitudes of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies have mysteriously appeared out of nowhere and clogged up the roads all the way to Forget-Me-Not Valley. Residents of Mineral Town generally like the Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies, mainly because they are simply so cute as to render people oblivious to the fact that they are paralysing all traffic. End of today's news.  
  
Jack: all right…this seems like a job for…Farmerman!  
  
(Jack dives under the bed. There is a green flash of light from under the bed, and Jack emerges in the Farmerman costume.)  
  
Jack: (holds up Hoe of Destruction) now let's go clear up some Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies!  
  
(Jack walks out of his front door, where lo and behold, there sits a Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny.)  
  
Jack: (holding out Hoe of Destruction) ah. A Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny. Now I will proceed to smite thee. (Bends back)  
  
Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny: (whimpers and looks up with big cute eyes)  
  
Jack: (falls to knees) augh! The cuteness! I can't turn such a cute little thing into a bloody pulpy mess!  
  
Narrator: and now to create a pointless diversion…  
  
(The scene changes to Elli, who is currently hugging a Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny.)  
  
Elli: (happily) oh…it's so unbelievably cuuuuuuuuuute! (Hugs the Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny tighter)  
  
Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny: (squeaks and turns blue, gasps for breath, then collapses.)  
  
(Camera shifts to behind Elli, where the Doctor is attempting to give CPR to the heap of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies lying there, but to not much effect.)  
  
Narrator: death by too much love…now there's an idea. Anyways…  
  
(scene changes back to Jack, still kneeling in front of the Cute Fluffy Pink Bunny.)  
  
Jack: (bursts into tears) no…can't…kill…such a cute thing…  
  
Gotz: (comes back) arr…you be needing that rabbit? (Picks it up and stuffs it into the sack)  
  
Jack: (has an idea) hm…could you walk in front of me for a bit?  
  
Gotz: (cackles dementedly) sure, if there be rabbits for the picking! There be good eating tonight! Rabbit stew, leg of Rabbit, Rabbit Breast…(rubs tummy)  
  
Jack: (staring at the wriggling sack) okay…  
  
(Gotz sets off for the peak of Mother's Hill, with Jack in tow. As they walk along, Gotz clears a path through the sea of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies, by stuffing them into his sack, which seems to never fill up. Eventually, they make it near the peak. The sea of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies begins to thin out towards the peak.)  
  
Gotz: (singing while skipping merrily along)   
  
nobody likes me, everybody hates me,  
  
I'm gonna eat some bunnies!  
  
Big ones, small ones, cute ones, ugly ones,  
  
All sorts of bunnies will do!  
  
I bite off the heads and suck out the juice and throw the tails away,  
  
Nobody understands how I live  
  
On bunnies three times a day!  
  
Jack: (tries not to puke) are we there yet?  
  
Gotz: here we are, Farmerman! Now I shall gather more rabbits! (Rubs hands in glee)  
  
(Jack immediately dashes off for the peak. The camera shifts to show Jack's field of vision. On the peak there is a lone figure.)  
  
Figure: (ticking off items on a notepad) plague of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies: check. Evildoing: check. Complete paralysis of transport system: check. Well, time to report back to bo-  
  
Jack: (charging out) yahh! Begone, vile one sent by the Harvest Devil, for I, Farmerman, protector of Mineral Town, have come to put a stop to your evil!  
  
Figure: …what? (turns around halfway, when the camera goes black.)  
  
Narrator: time for the showdown! Who really is Jack's evil twin? Will the multitudes of Cute Fluffy Pink Bunnies ever go away? When will my sheep ever give me X-wool? Find out all these and more in the Next episode of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!  
  
I would've continued, but had to break off here because I have to go study for my economics paper. Bleah. Spare an old hobo a review? (Holds out tin mug) 


End file.
